tldnr:
Anastasia does a bad job interviewing Christian because she’s awkward and he’s sexy.
Everything bad you’ve heard about this book is true. Everything good you’ve heard is false.
I’m sure I’ll eventually settle into a groove and decide upon a specific format for these chapter summaries, but until then, I’m just going to try out a few different things and see what works for me. For this first chapter, I’ll start with some character sketches and then go through the plot, such as it is.
I do like the idea of starting with tldnr because this chapter, at least, is nearly plot-free. I’ve read two different readers’ own summaries of Chapter 1, but even that didn’t prepare me for how little we get in the first sixteen pages.
We all know the basic background, though, right? That Anastasia is going to have all sorts of sex with Christian? And that the real question is not “Will they or won’t they?” but instead, “Why do they keep doing this and why am I still reading about it?” We’re all on the same page, right?
Good. Let the games begin!
the usual.
50 Shades of the Complainst: Chapter 3
tldnr:
Kate makes José take pictures of Christian and then Christian saves Ana from a bicycle and Ana thinks this is sexy.
Warnings:
We sort of, kind of, obliquely, a little bit, start talking about sex. Ugh. This book takes forever.
(Note just for tumblr: I fuss over the formatting much more thoroughly over where I post the originals: http://TheComplainist.com because more people are reading via links from facebook than from tumblr because I’m not that good at tumblr. Just letting you know that I sometimes trim little videos and things rather than do all the work of transferring formatting from the main blog.)
So, this chapter is pretty terrible. You knew that already. I think I need to quit reading ahead, though, because now I have to go back and remind myself what already happened, so it’s kind of like I’m reading this book twice at the same time. My hope, though, is that since so little happens in this chapter, and it pretty much rehashes a bunch of junk already established, we can get through this relatively painlessly. Relatively.
(Editor’s note: This summary ended up being pretty much exactly the same length as the previous two.)
I’ve been thinking about what it means to hate something so popular. I’m not reading this in a “so bad it’s good kind of way.”
50 Shades is, indeed, so bad it’s gone past good and come around again to bad, and it’s worse for the trip. Asked of me on facebook: I continue to be genuinely stunned at how bad the book’s writing is. Do you think that people just skip to the sex stuff?”
50 Shades of the Complainist: Chapter 2
tldnr-
Christian stalks Anastasia at work, and then Anastasia arranges to meet up with him because she doesn’t understand warning signs.
Editor’s note: Thanks for all the reads and shares and so on! Guess we’ll have to keep doing this, though, so there is a downside. For me, I mean.
Fanfiction!
Twilight is filled with crypto-mormonism, is my understanding, so those books make the most sense if you read something like this hilarious guide to deciphering the many ways in which Stephanie Meyer’s vampire saga uses Washington as a stand-in for Utah.
And in turn, 50 Shades is all crypto-vampirism. At this point everyone will know that EL James is the world’s most famous fanfiction writer, and that almost everything that transpires in 50 Shades is directly analogous to something from Twilight. I haven’t read Twilight so I can’t tell you if familiarity with itwould make 50 Shades more or less bearable.
Simply knowing that 50 Shades is basically the most successful act of plagiarism in the history of the written word explains quite a lot, though. It’s filled with odd little dead ends—bits that seem to serve no purpose at all but may, in fact, be vestiges of Twilight subplots that were carried over but not actually used. I also see no reason not to go ahead and just read Christian Grey as a sort of generic British vampire. He’s based on Edward from Twilight but I have no idea how Edward and CG compare, personality-wise. But since CG does not act like a human person acts, or speak like an American speaks, thinking of him as a British vampire dulls the pain a little. “Don’t worry, Alden,” I say to myself. “There’s no such thing as Christian Grey because there’s no such thing as vampires. Don’t let the mean man give you nightmares.”
Oh! I almost forgot one thing about vampires! They are inexorably linked with sexual violence! There’s that, too. Vampires and CG share aloofness, wealth, a desire for solitude, and an air of mystery. Also, both are likely to murder you during sex.
Some of my favorite people on this big, blue planet #iloveyou #nola @cripple_creek (at Barcadia New Orleans)
This photo captures a surprising amount about everyone pictured. It’s so appropriate that I’m just going to assume it was carefully posed.
A hipster bike has declared war on hipsters. Nobody hates hipsters like hipsters hate hipsters. Think about that one next time you complain about hipsters, hipsters.
When that stopped clock is right twice a day, you still need the assistance of a working clock in order to determine the exact moment when that busted clock is accurate. Seems like a lot of extra work.
Also, unless that busted clock stopped, say, right around ten, there’s a good chance that you might be asleep at one of the moments that it’s right anyway, which makes it even more useless.
So what I’m saying is, please. Fix those clocks, I guess.
Since when was anyone stopping cops from using pot? I admire your civic-minded spirit, whoever posted this. But aren’t there more pressing concerns?
Seattle hate speech.
BOOM! 8-Track.
